Chasing the Cool - Story #4

Sunday 12:30 a.m. 20**

We stood around, occasionally lifting our glasses to cheer our adventurous and amazing lives. We knew nearly all of the people in the place – and the ones we didn't, in all likelihood, didn't matter. It's different on this side of the velvet rope. “Him” from that band shook my hand and struck up a conversation. I approached “her” from that magazine and gave my congratulations. From across the room, “them” from that play raised their glasses at us and nodded their heads. We all made our rounds, exclusively acknowledging each other's existence as if we all belonged to some secret society that outsiders were oblivious to.


A decade ago, this isn't where I imagined myself. I grew up in the suburbs. I went to a Catholic school. I wore a uniform. My house didn't have picket fences, but it was close enough. I was raised just like most people. Go to school. Get good grades. Get into a good university. Get a good job. Find a good girl. Get married. Have kids. Buy a house. Live a good life. But somewhere between here and there, the concept of good was lost to me. Living in the city changes a person. It changed me. The city wakes you up from the slumber of the suburbs.

Hey Lorenzo, see that girl that just came in with the hot wannabe model? Isn't that the girl from the other week? The one who just broke up with Keith? Don't you sorta know her?” said my friend, suggestively elbowing me in the back.

I knew exactly what he was thinking. It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. Target acquired. We made our introductions. With these types of women, you don't have to be interesting or even witty. They could care less about getting to know you. They don't want to discuss politics or hear your thoughts on life or religion. No one here is genuinely out to connect on any level deeper than hellos and goodbyes. They more so want to be impressed by you. You must be armed with subtle and occasional name drops. This battle is won by convincing them that spending time with you will increase their importance in this modern day night timing empire. Let them know why you are who you are. Own your status in life. Everyone, in one way or another, is just chasing the cool.

As we got further into our vain conversation, she motioned to her friend and made some snide remark about someone standing by the bar.

Poor girl. She'll never get a drink looking like that.”

I turned my head to join them in their ridicule at the expense of this clueless outsider in hopes of sealing our awkward morning agreement. But when I did, I was caught off guard. To my surprise I recognized their verbal assault victim. She was wearing a blue t-shirt that didn't match her faded torn blue jeans. She had flip flops on, as always. I looked at her and caught her eye. She smiled at me and waved.

You know that girl?” the fake-breasted quasi model asked me. My friend gave me a look I recognized. It was the “just-say-no-and-please-don't-fuck-this-up” look. But all the feelings from that night came rushing back. Her friendly blue eyes were still locked on mine from the bar where she stood, unserved. She began to walk towards me. I weighed the decision in my head and in my heart. Continue my conversation with this conventionally beautiful but obviously shallow person and win the admiration of my friends, or leave it all behind and talk to the girl with the flip flops. She, a couple of weeks back, had stolen my heart for the night. Although I woke up disappointed to a post-it note goodbye, I knew eventually our paths would cross again. I couldn't really blame her for her abrupt and seemingly careless departure. I'm sure it was a confusing and somewhat difficult situation for her, given my metal heart reputation. I'm sure in her head, she thought that's what I was accustomed to and what I wanted. Typically, she would have been right, but there was nothing typical about the fate-less night we shared. Connecting like that with another human being is rare in this city. Talking about anything other than what you do and who you know is rare in this city. Real conversations are rare in this city. Truth be told, anything real is rare in this city.

As she came closer to me, the night we shared began to come back to me vividly. I remembered how I fell asleep beside her and didn’t feel alone. How we talked about everything and anything. How she actually cared about my thoughts and aspirations, but failed to expect anything more. I remembered how warm her body felt next to mine. But all of that was weeks ago, and this moment was now. She didn't belong here with these people. She didn't know “her.” “Him” didn't shake her hand. “Them” didn't nod at her. And realistically, we made no sense together. Not in this city. Not in this life.

Hi. How are you?” said the girl in the flip flops, innocently.

I'm good,” I responded, rudely and to the point.

Listen, I had an amazing time the other week. I'm sorry I just left like that. I just didn't know if you felt the same and I didn't want it to be weird if you didn't. Do you have a second to talk?”

I hesitated for a moment as my future conquest looked at me semi-disgusted for even knowing someone that didn't “belong.” I did feel the same way. Ordinarily, one night stands have a way of making someone feel lonelier than ever, but it was different with her. I felt something. I knew deep down, I had come across something tangible. Something with texture. Something real. But for one reason or another, these words came out of my mouth: “The other week? I don't know what you mean. I'm sorry, I'm really busy. I really don't have time to talk.”

I turned my back to her and went back to business as usual. In my periphery, I saw her walk away with her head down; not with embarrassment so much as a half-expected disappointment. Life isn't filled with first chances, yet alone second ones. I'm a glutton for this self-inflicted, superficial, substance lacking existence. I chose a life of wannabe models, lonely evenings and rap video dreams.

I got the look of approval from all parties. I've always hated people that lived with no significant meaning. I always thought that a life like that would be the death of me. But there I was, in this hip Toronto bar, with these hip Toronto people; yearning to impress and dying one premium vodka sip at a time. The city might have woken me up from my suburban sleep, but I'm still only half awake – shaking hands, nodding heads, completely devoid of substance in this fake empire. I gave up something real to impress people that could care less about me. I've been so busy toasting this life away with “him,” “her” and “them” that I failed to realize that chasing the cool never kept anybody warm.

4 comments:

  1. This... is maybe the saddest entry. Not in a "poor you" kind of way... but in a "wow, this actually happens in real life"? kind of way.
    You describe the flipflop girl with such respect... such realness, you reflect on how hard it is to find these real encounters with people in Toronto.
    You describe the other girl as so material, so fake, like you have no respect or recognition that she exists as a human being.
    You describe your friends and the situation like a highschool dance where nothing else matters but who you're with, and this one decision will ruin your whole reputation for the rest of your life.

    You chose to disregard the one that was real... the one that told you she wanted something... for people you describe as "caring less about you", and a woman you didn't mention one word of respect for.
    Most of the other blogs you have written are cynical of love, eluding to your negative experiences of women breaking your heart. But this entry shows your active role in choosing to stay out of real connections... preferring to be more concerned with "chasing the cool".

    Imagine how cynical flipflop girl became about love after that encounter?
    Not to mention her obvious prediction of you... became true.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Posted on September 28, 2010
    I really enjoy reading your articles. You write in a way that the modern day jo/jane can relate to and you never cease to cater to both genders with each piece! I also love the time-line style and your humor! I would definitely put you up there with my fave chic-lit authors! ..In the most masculine sense of course!
    Reply

    Posted on September 28, 2010
    oh man, the rockmeister, thats not the rocky i taught
    but youre writings are awesome and visual, your life seems like a roller coaster up and down, wonder when youll ever get off
    from a friend
    Reply

    Posted on September 28, 2010
    pretending to enjoy life to please others or actually enjoying it to please yourself, no choice is right or wrong it solely comes down to how you want to feel from that moment forward. The first 25 years of my life have been to please others but at a point I am switching to feeling happy instead of just portraying it
    Reply

    Posted on September 28, 2010
    cheers to you for being able to admit your actions openly, we have all been in a situation such as yours and we all would like to proclaim we took the righteous road but few would admit to doing the opposite. frankly I have been a “her” many times and I have been a “post it note girl” heres to hoping they balance each other out. Great piece Lorenzo
    Reply

    Posted on October 3, 2010
    nice article, in some way its always been like that. from elementary school, to highschool(especially highschool) your always trying to impress other people, trying to look cool…nice work, looking forward to reading the next one
    Reply

    Posted on October 3, 2010
    Wow… this piece definitely shows how bright and talented you are.
    Good on you buddy!
    Reply

    Posted on October 3, 2010
    good work man!
    Reply

    Posted on October 4, 2010
    Hey rocky, that was awesome! I love how open & honest you were in this piece, it was truly refreshing. I really enjoyed this & can’t wait till the next! Don’t take to long
    Reply

    Posted on October 7, 2010
    Maria- Fav chic-lit authors? Lol Im not sure if I can take that as a compliment. Lol. But thank you so much for all the support and reading my stuff. Im glad you enjoy my tragic but humorous love life. Lol I hope you keep reading and keep giving me your feed back. It really allows me to grow as a writer.
    gc!- old friend! You were once a part of that crazy roller coaster. You were privy first hand to some of the stories. But alas you met the women of your dreams and now you’re a Mormon! I wanna get off, trust me! Maybe I will convert as well and you can introduce me to some nice young god fearing women?
    Holly- At the end of the day, its all about being happy.
    T-Thank you! The choices we make are responsible for the lives we live today.
    Diego!!! Damn dude. Its been a minute! Thanks for reading my stuff man. I’ve been like that since high school? Really? Thats kind of disconcerting.
    Bella- Thanks for the compliment. I hope you keep reading!
    Yath- As always thnx for the support homie!
    Ro- Thanks! I might not always make the best choices but at least I’m honest!
    Guys thank you for all the comments and support! I hope if you like what we have to offer on this site. You will help us by spreading the word and telling whomever! Thanks a million!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Interesting layout on your blog. I really enjoyed reading it and also I will be back to read more in the future.
    Reply

    Posted on November 27, 2010
    Thank you! I really appreciate the support. Feel free to share our link and spread the word!
    Reply

    Posted on October 26, 2010
    This… is maybe the saddest entry. Not in a “poor you” kind of way… but in a “wow, this actually happens in real life”? kind of way.
    You describe the flipflop girl with such respect… such realness, you reflect on how hard it is to find these real encounters with people in Toronto.
    You describe the other girl as so material, so fake, like you have no respect or recognition that she exists as a human being.
    You describe your friends and the situation like a highschool dance where nothing else matters but who you’re with, and this one decision will ruin your whole reputation for the rest of your life.
    You chose to disregard the one that was real… the one that told you she wanted something… for people you describe as “caring less about you”, and a woman you didn’t mention one word of respect for.
    Most of the other blogs you have written are cynical of love, eluding to your negative experiences of women breaking your heart. But this entry shows your active role in choosing to stay out of real connections… preferring to be more concerned with “chasing the cool”.
    Imagine how cynical flipflop girl became about love after that encounter?
    Not to mention her obvious prediction of you… became true.
    Reply

    Posted on November 27, 2010
    Sadly I agree with everything you said. I appreciate the comments. I hope you keep reading and sharing your thoughts. They are very insightful and I think everyone appreciates them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think we've all been on both ends of this story.

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