(A bullet form short story...sort of)
“The best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.”
Actions speak louder than words.
People always say that summer is the best times in Toronto. I half agree. Summer is definitely the best season. The plethora of things to do in the city during the summer are incomparable but as soon as Labour Day passes, Toronto people treat each day like its their last chance for romance. It's as if the lack of things to do in the cold forces the need in people to search that much harder for someone to keep warm with during the long winter months.
Day 73 9/10
I laid in bed beside her. I looked at her for awhile. She was beautiful in her sleep. I quietly said my goodbye and made my way out. This time, I didn't leave a "post-it" note.
I wanted to see her off. Drive her to the airport. Park my car. Carry her luggage to check-in. Hug her. Kiss her. Tell her I'll miss her while she's gone. Give her the mix CD I'd spent the last two weeks putting together. Watch her walk away. Text her something cute and ridiculous the second I got back into my car. Wait for her to text me as soon as her flight safely landed. I wanted to do all these things but I couldn't. She chose to leave with someone else.
I'm continually fearful of people that fall in love fast. They're usually the same people that fall out of love with the same expedient effortless grace.
I spoke to a good friend about her. I told him how we met. How we were introduced. How I came with another girl and how she came with another guy. How we ended up talking to each other most of the night. How we connected. How she filled out her jeans. How excited I was at the possibility of getting to know her. How cute and interesting she was. How at the end of the night I mustered up enough courage to ask for her number. How she said she couldn't take it because she was actually seeing someone. How disappointed I felt. How I still gave her mine. How I said it be cool to be just friends with her anyways.
He told me she wouldn't call.
Things to do #1 Rivoli
We sat together on the same side of the table which I never do. Super cheese. She took pictures of the two of us. She kissed me on the cheek in most of them. I went to work the next morning while she was still sleeping. I left a "post-it" note on her fridge with a happy face and the words “I miss you already” written on it.
She looked at me and said, “Im happy with you”.
She didn't call but she texted me. She asked me for my Facebook. She said it be nice to keep in touch since we know the same people.
During the day we texted each other back and forth aimlessly. Almost every message ended with some cheesy icon. Mostly smiley faces.
At nights we talked through computer screens. Almost every conversation ended with some cheesy icon. Mostly smiley faces.
It's always that much more easier to open up to a person when you're typing instead of actually talking. Inhibitions for one reason or another are lost through internet connections. Modern Romance.
We went out with a mutual friend. Safety net. The three of us went out for drinks at a patio on Queen West. At the end of the night she drove us back to our respective places. She decided to drop me off last. We ended up parked just outside my place talking till the sun came up.
I was surprised she called. She was suppose to work but she took the day off. She asked me what I was doing for the day. I had a lot of work but I responded by saying “absolutely nothing, do you want to do something?”
I woke up in her bed beside her. She drank a little too much the night before. I assured her nothing really happened but she still had a deep look of regret on her face.
I texted her hi and she texted back, “Stop flirting with me I'm with someone and we're just friends.”
I said “ok”. She called and said “hi” like nothing had happened.
We saw each other everyday. We were together till the days turned into nights. And we talked on the phone till the nights turned into days.
Everything about her was disarming. The walls came down.
She was coming to my place to show me the cloths she had bought specifically to wear to a party I was hosting the following night. I think she likes me and I was really starting to like her. She got to my place an hour later. I was about to lay my cards on the table and tell her I liked her when her phone rang. Her tone changed and she took the call in the other room. It was probably her boyfriend. It wasn't. It was her date to my party that she had planned to leave her current boyfriend for.
She pulled me aside in the middle of the party, took me to a corner and said, “I know I said we're just friends but I like you.”
I woke up beside her. For the second time. This time she didn't have a look of regret. I leaned into kiss her. She stopped me and said “I still have a boyfriend lets wait till I sort it out. I don't want to start off the wrong way.”
I stayed over her place the next couple of nights and unfortunately routinely had to leave for work before she could get up. I regularly left "post-it" notes to compensate for my mandatory early departure. Every note had something different written on them, usually some corny but heart felt words. She would randomly find each note during the course of her day. By the end of the third night she officially no longer had a boyfriend.
She made a list of things for us to do before the Winter came.
We sat on the curb of the busy city street eating our desserts. It was a nice semi breezy night. People passed us by pretending not to stare while we laughed and stupidly fed each other Oreo flavoured chocolate cake. There were pieces of the cake smudged on the side of her mouth. I cleaned it off and simultaneously kissed her. Afterwards we both smiled and amiably looked at each other. I didn't have the need to say anything but she did.
“Lorenzo, I like you but I don't wanna rush into anything.”
I woke up in her bed beside her. We rushed into things. She had a look of deep regret on her face. For the second time.
I can't shake her look from my mind. A million things ran through my head. Did she regret breaking up with her boyfriend? Did she change her mind about me? Was it a mistake? Did we not connect physically? All my insecurities were spotlighted.
See also: Bad kissing breath
See also: Not big enough
See also: Lacking abdominal muscles
I asked her about the other night, if she had regrets. I wanted her to say no. Instead she hesitated. My heart stopped. I interjected before she could answer. I played off her pause for my own and suggested we should just be friends. I wanted her to disagree instead she responded that she had to think and that she'd call me back tomorrow.
She asked me to keep my eyes shut. She grabbed my hand and said “do you trust me?”. I did. She led me to her secret spot that over looked the city. We got there and talked for hours. There was a moment of silence. I leaned into kiss her. She pulled away with a look of confusion and said, “What are you doing? We decided. We're better off as friends.
I played it cool with just being friends but secretly I was disappointed.
She kept glancing back at me from across the bar while I talked to another girl. I pretended I didn't notice. Other girls kept texting me through out the night. She noticed and gave me a pseudo smile. She looked good. Friendship was not a legitimate option. Her friend came over to talk me while she was standing next to me. Her friend flirted a little. She didn't look impressed. I took matters into my own hands. I texted her, “I miss you. Do friends cuddle?”. Her phone beeped. She looked down, read my text and smiled. She mischievously texted back, “Special friends do.”
We cuddled. Among other things. As special friends.
Things to do #2 Wine and Cheese show
It was 4 in the a.m. She was a little tipsy. I'd been drinking as well but I felt completely sober. We stopped off at the drug store for a box of tampons. When we got to the register to pay, she struggled to find her wallet in her purse. She had a million things in there. The woman behind the register looked at us annoyed. To alleviate the tension between us and the cashier, I paid for her box of tampons. She looked up at me and smiled at my random gesture. We walked back to my car. She's still looking at me with that goofy half drunk smile. I smiled back. We drove off in comfortable silence occasionally glancing at each other to smile. We got to her place. I sat on the couch. She sat beside me, still smiling. I smiled back and playfully said, “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”
She answered, “Lorenzo, I love you”.
It always took me at least three attempts at a goodbye to leave her place in the mornings.
Things to do #3 Picnic at the Beach
We got to the beach at 12 in the morning with a bottle of wine and stayed until the sun rose.
I loved how there wasn't a day she didn't get the hiccups. How she always made stupid faces. How they effortlessly made me laugh. How her eyes regularly changed colour. How caring she was.
See also: Her accent
See also: Her smile
See also: Her scent
She was leaving for Africa in a week. She planned the trip before we even met. I intended to drive her and pick her up from the airport. I made her a mix cd. I was going to miss her.
She told me daily she loved me.
Day 73 1/2
I hate commitment. It freaks me out but she was beginning to render me defenceless with her uncompromising “love is all you need” attitude towards life. When most people in the city treat anything remotely resemblant of emotions like the black plague she was completely open. Willing to drop “L-bombs” minute to minute with no anticipated or expected verbal compensation. I subtly tested the waters and indirectly asked her to be my girl. To my surprised confusion, she directly and unmistakeably said no. She told me she didn't want a relationship and that she still wanted to do “things” with other people. Reality unmasked.
I guess love isn't all you need. Maybe she meant love in the hippie Woodstock love as many people as you can sense of the word. My mistake. I should have clarified.
We didn't talk. Not even a day later, she did “things” with other people.
Things to do #4 Niagara Falls
She called me. I didn't answer. We didn't go.
Things to do #5 Drive-in Movie
She texted me. I didn't answer. We didn't go.
She called me over and over and left a message saying if I didn't pick up she was going to just show up at my door. I answered. She told me she thought about me while she did “things” with other people. I told her I didn't give a fuck. She told me she wanted to marry me one day and that she loved me. I laughed despicably and said, “Stop telling me you love me. You don't love me. You barely know me. You can't whole heartedly love someone and sleep with some one else”
I hated how she had no concept of time. How she always had me waiting for her. How any time I did anything that disagreed with her she would say, “turn off”. How everyone else's opinion mattered more to her than mine.
See also: Her constant complaining
See also: Her “only child” syndrome
See also: Her big toe
She texted me justifying what she did and professing her love. I texted her back saying, “no worries. I fucked someone else too”. I lied.
She didn't write back. Hypocrite. I deleted her number from my phone.
She left for Africa
I bought a tub of ice cream and a bag of sour cream flavoured Ruffles. Over eating makes me feel better.
I laid in my bed staring at the pictures on my wall while Carla Bruni's “Quelqu'un m'a dit” played in the background. It's not all about feelings, it also has to do with timing. Looks like it's going to be one long cold Winter.
I had the song on repeat.
Some meetings are kismet. Some meetings are “meant to be”. Some make you feel like you've been waiting for this moment your entire life. And some just pass by with no second thought. It's all a matter of perspective. For me this moment was memorable. For her it was a “passer by-er”.