(A break from the day to day to Rave and Rant)
Every girl I have ever had an experience with has been directly responsible for the man I am today. I'm not just saying that; Every psyche of my being is a caused by my experiences with the opposite sex. From the first time I was neglected by my mother to the last time I got my heart broken. Females are to blame.
I started dating at a late age. I don't count those dates to junior proms that ended after the dance. Those were not real dates. I'm talking about real experiences with the opposite sex; Not my first kiss but my first real emotional kiss. Some people might have started earlier but due to God forsaking me during the ages of 8-16, dating was not an attainable option for me. Puberty finally decided to visit me the summer after my 17th birthday and it was good to me. Girls I had classes with all through out high school started asking me what school I had transferred from. They were semi embarrassed by my response but I didn't care at that point. I was just happy they were talking to me in the first place but since then my life has never been the same. Not in a good way. Sure, attention from females can really make a boy blush and constant compliments almost made me believe I had a chance to be a model at one point (which was short lived btw) but there's a downside to all that.
Every girl I have dated since the age of 17 has fucked me over harder than a Church and Gerard prostitute. I have dated many girls in my life time and one thing I've learned is that all of them should come with a “buyer beware” sign. I enter relationships with the utmost optimism but always exit with my tail between my legs. This not my fault. This is completely theirs. My first real girlfriend was the one I took to my senior prom. She seemed perfect in everyway: Cute as a button; Honor role; hard working; down to earth and caring. At least this is how she advertised herself to me the first time we met. She was not perfect. Not in the least. The second girl I ever fell for I never ended up seriously dating. She was nothing like the first girl. I met her during my pseudo acting/modeling phase. At the time I was madly in love with someone; myself. For some reason she decided she didn't care and proclaimed her love for me. Not to be conceded but many other girls at that time also believed in their hearts that I was the man for them but she stuck out. She was persistent. She didn't take my rejection and my constant affirmation of self love as warning signs, in fact I think that made her like me more, in a weird and self-loathing way. She loved me like no other girl has ever loved me and I inevitably cheated on myself with her. I renounced my self-absorbed ways and decided that maybe she was the girl for me. Big mistake. The last and final girl I love and will ever love was my Ex. She was a little cute Snowboarder chick. She was rich but didn't care about money, easy to talk to, social, out going, caring and cooked a mean pot roast. Again, she managed to convince me that there was no other girl for me but her. I didn't at first but through her sneaky little ways I succumbed. For almost two years I forgot I was anti-love and became pro-"ill do anything to make this relationship work" guy. I didn't mind because I thought she was perfect for me but lo and behold, the lies started to surface. Not only was she a mediocre snowboarder at best, her pot roast was store bought. The relationship ended badly. (Yes because of the pot roast. Any girl that will fake a roast deserves to burn in hell or at least some good cooking lessons)
This is not a strange phenomenon that only applies to me. This is universal for women and men a like. We all get tricked into believing someone is perfect for us. This is not my fault. This is not the "fake pot roast" girl's fault. There are three specific people to blame. Zack Morris, Meg Ryan and the Trix Bunny should be executed. They are 100% responsible for every heartache you and I have ever experienced. I blame them.
In the 90s these people shaped, in its totality, my concept of love and relationship. Everything I know with regards to the birds and the bees they have embedded in my soul. I watched Save by the Bell religiously; all three episodes a day. I idolized Zack. I followed him through his endless adventures of chasing Kelly Kapowski. Kelly was the girl of Zack's dreams and most episodes revolved around him trying to out duel every other guy in Bay Side High for her love. Zack would do anything within his means to convince and in a way, manipulate Kelly into believing they were meant to be. Inevitably Zack and Kelly end up dating and things sort of work out, in that perfect high school ending sort of way. Nothing bad ever really happened during the Save by the Bell years. Zack always gets his girl and at the end of the day, things work out. I was lead to believe this was true. In turn I spent most of my life chasing women and shaping myself into what I believed would gain their love. I liked a snowboarder, hipster chick, I became a snowboarder, hipster dude. This is what Zack did. Convince the girl your the perfect guy for her and when you inevitably end up together, she will see you and love you for the wonderful person you are deep down. Ummm....no she will not! She will realize you are not the guy she thought you were and resent you for that. Fuck you Zack Morris and your false teachings! But Zack is not completely at fault, Meg Ryan shares part of the blame.
In the span of a decade, Meg Ryan has made several memorable movies. The first Meg Ryan movie that made a lasting impression on me was when "Harry met Sally". It's a story about two great friends who turn a platonic relationship into a romantic one. In the end they fall in love with each other and live happily ever after. This movie taught me that the girl of my dreams is right under my nose and is most likely my best friend. She also made "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Addicted to love". These movies are staples of her career and the North American concept of love and relationships. In "Sleepless in Seattle" we learn that when someone, who barely knows us, travels half away across the continent to stalk us, over hears our voice through a late night radio show and convinces our family members through persistent letters that we belong together, is ideally romantic. This is what Meg does through out the movie. This is the whole movie. They lock eyes in the end and its literally love at first sight; how romantic. Her craziness doesn't end there, it only gets accentuated in the movie "Addicted to Love". In "Addicted to Love" her and failed big screen actor Ferris Buller, join forces to sabotage their ex's current relationship in the hopes of winning them back. What a moral. Meg plays an offbeat, left of center, indie, weirdo but in a really cute way, unconventionally beautiful girl. Her and Ferris come up with crazy and original ways to try to split their exes apart but in the end they discover that they are in fact in love with each other. In hindsight, I realize Meg's characters in these movies are the women I believe to be ideal. These are the people we all believe to be perfect for us; Unconventionally beautiful people who are unique and different from most and preferably our best friend. In truth, these people are no where close to being perfect, nor are they good for us. They will break our hearts. They are left of center for a reason. They fall in love easily and fall out of love with the same effortless grace. Their counter culture "off beat-ness" is not cute, it's fucked up. They risk everything for a love they barely know because they malfunction emotionally and in turn cling to people. They are not hopeless romantics. You are a hopeless romantic for falling for these people. They are serial heartbreakers and Meg Ryan is their leader.
Meg's movies always get re-runned on Television stations. I don't know why this is. I'm guessing it must be because there is some form of truth contained in them. These movies are memorable not because of any real artistic merit, not because of great acting or a great story, nor are any of them good for any specific cinematic moments. Now that I think about it, I'm not all that sure why these movies are memorable in the first place. I'm pretty certain these movies suck but for one reason or another I own several Meg Ryan movies and continually watch them. Someone has convinced me that a Meg type of woman is what I need in my life to be happy. These are the same people who convinced crack heads to take a hit of crack. They are the people that brainwashed the Trix Bunny that cereal is the answer to his happiness.
How long has that Bunny been chasing that cereal? God damn why can't someone just get him a bowl? Why are kids so cruel? I whole heartedly want to cry for that bunny but a part of me always laughs at how silly he is. Why not just give up? Why is his whole existence dedicated to a bowl of cereal? What happens after he gets the cereal? Will he be happy then? Will he finally give up his relentless search or will he search for another bowl? These are not simple questions. These are deep philosophical questions. The answers to these questions will give purpose to your life. These are the questions that plague humanity. Human nature dictates that we are never satisfied; Maybe momentarily but never permanently. We can all relate to the bunny. We spend the majority of our lives on a vigorous search for love and when we find it we are never satisfied. But is love what we really need? Someone has made us believe that there is nothing greater than love. Love will solve all of our problems. It is universal. Zack, Meg and the Bunny go through great lengths in its pursuit and so do we. It is our bowl of cereal but unlike the Bunny, we do get a taste. The problem is the taste is just never enough. Love is never enough. Don't believe Zack's bullshyt and Meg Ryan's propaganda. True love doesn't exist in real life, only in movies. It is Jack and the metaphorical bean stalk. It is a fairy tale told to little kids to sooth their minds before they go to bed. Like my idol Zack, I have been doing everything and anything to chase my proverbial Meg Ryan but I should have learned by now, that silly me, love is for kids.